This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
