just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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