I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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