it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
