No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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