someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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