You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
