i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
