My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
