Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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