bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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