4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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