I wish my penis had an off switch
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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