checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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