So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
