i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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