You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
