I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
