I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
