He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
