My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
