you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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