you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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