i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
