I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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