I wish they made helmets for livers.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
