Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
