omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
