So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
