It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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