the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
