I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize