I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
