Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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