No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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