I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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