you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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