I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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