She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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