She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize