it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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