my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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