she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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