Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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