a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I will die if light touches me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You left your phone here
Wait...
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