She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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