Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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