Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
