When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
