here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
