let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need water and some morals
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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