...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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