I wish my penis had an off switch
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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