I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
