Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
