Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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