Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize