I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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