Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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