oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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