She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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