Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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